hen I heard about the Gay Games in Sydney,
I thought it sounded amazing -- more than 13,000 gay athletes in one place --
so I started looking for other Iraqi rugby players. There was no chance that
anyone living in Iraq
would be able to go, so I had to draw from the diaspora.
I tried word of mouth through the rugby world. I also put postings on the
Internet: you know, ''Are you gay, Iraqi and looking to play rugby?'' I didn't
get responses -- except from friends. They would see my posting and say, ''Did
you see someone is looking for a gay Iraqi rugby player!''
I couldn't find any teammates, so I thought of joining the English. But meanwhile
I'd been chatting with guys on a Melbourne
team who said, ''If London won't have you, would you play for us?'' I'll be
playing for Melbourne next month,
but I'll be coming into the stadium representing Iraq.
I'm very conscious of being the only Iraqi at a time when we're very much in
the news. I don't want to enhance anyone's stereotypes. I just want to carry my
flag into the stadium. I'm not going to come in on a camel.
I grew up in Baghdad, an
outgoing kid, the darling of the family. My parents were well-educated
professionals. This was in the 70's; when the intelligentsia started
disappearing, people who could began to leave. We went
to Beirut, but there was civil war
there, so we moved back to Baghdad,
hoping things had quieted down. When we realized they hadn't, we moved to England.
The last time I was in Iraq
was in 1979. I was 9 years old.
In my family, education is the first, second and third priority. My two
older brothers were already far in school, so they stayed there with extended
family and carried on. My dad was hoping there would be an opportune moment for
them to change school systems, except the borders closed. So for about 12
years, I was separated from my brothers.
When my brothers first arrived in England, one in 1990, the other in 1991,
they took the things we had in common for granted. They really only saw the
differences, and they pegged me as a lot more Western than I am. Now they are
as adapted to society here as I am. Out of the three of us, I'm the most
nationalistic. I grew up remembering Iraq
as an absolutely gorgeous country. When you're robbed of something, you value
it a bit more.
Although I have spent most of my life in England,
culturally I was brought up in a very Arab environment. My father's side of the
family comes from the Euphrates River.
My mother's side is a mixture of Shiite and Sunni Muslims and other religions.
We used to ask them what religion they were, and they'd say, ''We're not
telling you.'' They gave us the Koran, the Bible, the Torah and Buddhist
teachings and told us to find our way.
My parents disapproved of taking athletics seriously and frowned on
professional sports. In Iraq,
the consensus is that if your kids are athletes, they've failed at school.
That's the case in Arab society generally, although there are exceptions. In
the 80's, there were some successful Arab bodybuilders, so there was a brief
bodybuilding fad. In Morocco
and Algeria,
there are accomplished runners. A new generation is beginning to see sport as
something to achieve for your country.
Being an athlete was one of the things that made me aware of my attraction
to men. I just went into a panicked denial about it. There's absolutely no gay
culture in Iraq.
Not a hint of it. The only Arab country establishing a gay culture is Lebanon;
they've always been a bit forward-thinking. Homosexuality in most Arab
countries is frowned upon, and in some it is a crime punishable by extreme
sentences. I knew the impact my being gay would have on my family. But they
taught me honesty and to stand up for what I believe in, and they still respect
that. They'll never say words like ''gay''; they'll say ''your thing.'' But
given their starting point, they've come a remarkable distance.
I'm proud that I'm going to the Gay Games, but I'm gutted that I can't walk
into the stadium with other Iraqis. When you're alone, your sense of
achievement has a hollow ring to it. Although I think most people won't realize
it, I'll be carrying the Iraqi flag as it was before Saddam Hussein put writing
on it. I don't support the present regime. That's not to give any ammunition to
Bush; I don't support economic sanctions or his campaign against Iraq,
because the innocent suffer.
Right now, people in Iraq
are preparing to be bombed and digging out their cellars. People are much more
afraid than they've ever been, and these are people who have lived in fear
their whole lives. There is a possibility that we'll be at war when I'm at the
Games. All I can do in Sydney is my
best for my country and my people. I don't know how I'll react if I am at the
opening ceremony carrying an Iraqi flag and someone takes issue with that or if
I'm playing against antagonistic people. I'm not sure whether I'll laugh or
cry, strike out or ignore it. Maybe I'll play a bit more aggressively, but you
know, I'll be playing competitively anyway. I'll be playing to win.